Crimson Stains sweet gardenia dreams
by cruxis-wings
Summary: Forgiveness can be a hard thing to accept when you don’t feel that you deserve it. Zelos/Lloyd.


Disclaimer: Rae does not own ToS, Zelos or Lloyd. If she did, the game would have been a lot gayer, let me assure you.

AN: This is a little fic based right after Zelos returns to the party, after 'semi' betraying Lloyd and the gang. I'm basing this off the Zelos-ending. (The only ending I ever get. XD) I wanted to do a little piece where Zelos and Lloyd discuss Zelos' actions. (The double agent stuff, etc.) Away from the others, away from the masks. Let's see how this goes.

Also, this is inspired by the prompts from the 30kiss challenge on LJ, hopefully that's okay, neh? This one is: gardenia.

* * *

**Crimson Stains ~~sweet gardenia dreams~~**

It wasn't right.

He stared at the teen, the words slowly sinking in.

No.

It wasn't right at all.

Those words... That calm, accepting expression...

_No. No, you... You fool. You stupid, naïve fool._ With that thought, Zelos Wilder grabbed the brunette, pulling him closer. He had to make the boy understand, had to... To what? To...

"Don't you get it? It's a lie. It's all a lie. Everything I am, every fucking thing about me is a lie! An _ugly_, **fake** lie!" he shouted, his voice breaking. Why? Why did the teen have such... Such an understanding, almost _consoling_ expression flickering in his chocolate colored eyes? _Idiot! Stupid bumpkin, you... You..._

Lloyd Irving silently stared into the Chosen's turbulent aqua eyes, as if contemplating how to respond to such an outburst. The boy said nothing however, instead simply remained quiet, his small, attractive face holding a... _Oh God._ Was that sympathy?

_Don't... Don't look at me like that..._ The redhead pulled away, turning away from the teen's gaze, fighting to regain control of his emotions. What had caused his sudden loud declaration, his ragged voice and cracking mask? _How could he... He..._

He had forgiven him. Lloyd Irving, in all of his naïve, trusting stupidity, had actually forgiven him.

How could that be possible? How could Lloyd be so damn stupid? After all he had done...After his traitorous, selfish actions...

Simple words stated firmly. _--"I forgive you, Zelos."--_

Despite his letter, his apology, his wish for that forgiveness... Now... Now that the words had been spoken, he realized that he in fact did not **deserve** forgiveness. Hadn't it been selfish to even ask for it to begin with? Another selfish act on his already long list of self-serving idiocy.

It was wrong.

Forgiveness and compassion...

_I.... I don't deserve to be forgiven._ He kept his gaze away from the brunette, focusing his aqua colored eyes to the dark, mossy carpet of the forest. _Forgiveness... I..._ The young man fought to force away his tumultuous thoughts, clenching his hands, not even noticing as his gloved nails bit into flesh. _He's so... So..._ Zelos clenched his shaking fists tighter, paying no mind as his sharp nails cut through the material of his gloves, biting into his palms. Nor did he notice the drops of blood pooling from his self-inflicted wounds as his nails cut in deeper and deeper. He was far too focused on Lloyd's words... Those forgiving, accepting words the teen had uttered so calmly.

Lloyd had insisted on talking with him alone. Away from the lit fire, away from the camp. Away from the others, away from the carefree flamboyance and false camaraderie.

Just the two of them.

Despite Zelos' _--"welcome"--_ back into the little group, he knew. Distrust and unease thinly veiled by smiles and jokes.

Trust the untrustworthy Zelos Wilder? Hardly.

Not that he blamed the group. He had been playing for all sides, after all. Cruxis. Renegades. Spy games and treachery.

Even to go so far as to give up his own humanity... For fake wings and--and what? An escape? It hadn't worked of course. Even as he had given up his humanity, one thing that he couldn't quite rid himself of was that emotion. That one, solitary emotion coursing through his very --otherwise empty-- being.

_Lloyd..._

"You're wrong, Zelos," Lloyd interrupted the Chosen's jumbled thoughts, and he moved to take hold of Zelos' slender right arm, gently pulling the young man around to meet his eyes.

_I'm wrong? Yeah. I'm __**wrong**__, all right._ A harsh smirk overtook Zelos' feminine features as a forced laugh escaped his pink lips. "And how am I wrong? Tell me, I'd love to hear you explain this one," he coldly remarked, his voice cynical, flat. _Get angry with me, idiot. Get... Get..._ Again the young Chosen's thoughts trailed, and he took in an uneven breath, fighting against the fresh wave of emotion threatening to flood him. Why? Why wasn't the fiery, hot-headed teen angry? Why... Why were his eyes so... So warm? "Well?"

"To the others you might be a lie. But not to me," the brunette calmly replied, his dark eyes locked with Zelos' troubled aqua-blue.

Zelos' eyebrows furrowed as he pondered the younger swordsman's words, a perplexed frown replacing his former derisive smile. What did he mean by that exactly? _Not to him? I..._ He opened his mouth to question the teen, but before a word escaped, Lloyd held out a hand, motioning for the Chosen to remain silent.

"Let me finish. Maybe you're right on some level. To the others, maybe you are a fake. But you're not to me. I know the real you. And there's _nothing_ fake about you," Lloyd stated, his words even, his expression intense. "There's nothing **fake** about the pain I see in your eyes. You aren't a lie, Zelos. I think... I think you're just lost," the teen softly added, a look of calm acceptance in his dark gaze.

Acceptance...

It wasn't a look the redhead knew much about. Acceptance?

Zelos felt his lips part, yet no words came forth and he simply stood, eyes locked on the brunette before him. How could Lloyd look at him in such a way? No anger, no resentment. Acceptance? For a traitorous fake?

_The real me..._ He cleared his throat, his eyes drifting away from Lloyd's gaze, instead focusing back to the mossy earth at his feet. "...Lost?" was the only word he could manage to speak before descending back into uneasy silence, the frown on his pink lips deepening. _Lost? I'm... Lost?_ Did that word suit him? "Lost?" he inquired once more, unable to fully control the uneven, shaky tenor tinting his otherwise hollow voice.

"You seem so angry that I would forgive you, but I... I never stopped believing in you. Not really." Lloyd paused at this, and he let out a deep breath, as if contemplating his words. The teen then shook his head, a small, bittersweet smile gracing his lips. "Even though you... I somehow knew in the end... Deep inside, I knew I could still trust you. I think it was a subconscious feeling, but it was there," he quietly admitted, his smile fading. "I never stopped believing in you, Zelos," he repeated, carefully watching the lithe redhead with an uncharacteristically serious expression written across his usually more carefree face.

"You... You're right. I am angry. I'm angry because you're an idiot," Zelos quietly remarked after a moment of silence, his voice flat, utterly void of emotion. _Angry? Damn right I'm angry,_ the red haired Chosen thought, his tightly clenched fists shaking as he contemplated the teens words. _Believing in me... That makes me so..._

Angry? Yes. He was angry.

Angry at himself.

Angry at Lloyd.

Angry at Mithos Yggdrassill and his fucked up worlds.

Angry for being born.

Angry... Angry and tired. So very tired. Tired of feeling so... So...

"If anyone's being an idiot here, I'd say it's you," Lloyd gently kidded, a small smile on his lips.

_An idiot, huh?_ Zelos nodded, his expression weary. "You might be right." He couldn't argue with that statement, could he? Maybe he was being a fool. It wouldn't be anything new, after all.

"The point is, Zelos... Despite you and your, you know, sometimes less than normalcy... I still believe in you. I just wanted you to know," the teen softly remarked, his voice so... So consoling, so...

_God damn it..._ Zelos shook his head, long locks of red hair falling in his face, hiding his troubled eyes. "You shouldn't. How do you know I won't do it again?" the young man inquired, and again, he could not quite force away the tremble entering his quiet words. "Everyone else is thinking it. Right now, back at the camp? They're all lying awake, hating me, wondering if I should even be allowed to live, not to mention allowed back into the little 'save the worlds' party. And they are right to wonder, aren't they? Aren't they?" With these uneven words, the Chosen released a shuddering sigh, his hands shaking, his lips set in a deep frown. "What if I... Betray you again? That's what everyone's thinking right now. And I don't blame them. Not one bit," he added after a moment of pause, blood pooling through his thick gloves as he dug his sharp nails deeply into his palms.

Crimson stains...

Lloyd shook his head, spiky brown locks swaying in the cool night breeze. "You're wrong. No one is thinking anything like that. They don't hate you, Zelos," the brunette firmly responded, his voice confident and firm, his dark eyes resolute in his convictions.

"You really are a naïve bumpkin," the Chosen retorted, a harsh laugh escaping him. Was the boy **truly** so optimistic, so naïve? _Do you really believe that?_ Zelos couldn't help but wonder, his lips contorting into a bitter, pained smile. "You're... Such a bumpkin," he repeated, his voice rough.

"And you really are an idiot," Lloyd gently quipped. The teen then moved to take a step closer, and he reached out, carefully laying his gloved right hand on the Chosen's thin shoulder.

_Lloyd, I..._ Zelos closed his eyes, a deep, shuddering breath escaping his lips as he took in the comforting feel of the teen's hand. It was such a simple gesture, a consoling touch, yet it... "What if I do?" he whispered, not even attempting to fight off the uneven tenor tinting his voice. "What if I do?" he questioned once more, his words sharp and bitter, his eyelids closing tighter. _What if I..._

"Do what?" Lloyd queried with a blink, a tone of confusion entering his soft, boyish voice. "Do what, Zelos?"

_Do what? I... What if I..._ What if he... He...

"What if... What if I hurt you again?" Zelos didn't know how to express the thoughts swirling, raging within his head, only able to voice the vague question with a shaky, troubled voice.

_What if I..._

What if he couldn't control his own self-destructive, apathetic tendencies? What if the next time... What if he really did betray Lloyd? Despite the emotion... Despite the emotions the teen had somehow stirred within his cold, snow-ridden heart... _Damn you for actually making me feel something, Lloyd._ It had been so much simpler before.

"Damn it, Zelos," Lloyd sighed, and the teen released his hold on the Chosen's shoulder, moving instead to take hold of the redhead's thin upper arms. He pulled the redhead close, awkwardly embracing the taller man against him in a soft, consoling gesture. "You won't." The brunette spoke the words firmly, confident and sincere.

"How can you believe in me, when... When I can't even believe in myself?" Zelos whispered, his stiff body slowly relaxing into the teen's self-conscious embrace. _How can he be so sure? He..._ The teen really was... Such an idiot.

Lloyd shook his head, a red blush overtaking his cheeks as a small smile formed on his lips. "I believe in you because I know you. And I mean the real Zelos Wilder, not the fake Tethe'allan Chosen," he dryly remarked, his voice tender and teasing, and so... So very Lloyd Irving.

The **real** Zelos Wilder? Who... Who was the _real_ Zelos Wilder? _I don't... Even I don't know who the real me is. Maybe there isn't a 'real' me._ Perhaps there was nothing. Nothing inside, other than artic-cold snow. An unending winter, stained red... That's how he felt, anyway. Empty, hollow, or... "Am I really lost?" Zelos whispered, his voice hesitant, unsure. _Lost... That doesn't excuse the fact that I'm an unfeeling bastard though, does it?_ he pondered, feeling the sudden twinge of bitter, unshed tears that so desperately wanted to flow from his eyes. Not that he would ever let himself cry. That was just a given. Zelos Wilder shed tears? Right.

"A little," Lloyd answered honestly, holding the Chosen close. Despite the brunette's somewhat stiff, awkward embrace, despite his obvious embarrassment at the close contact between the two, he only pulled the Chosen closer, his hold so...

_This is... This is a first._ As many times as Zelos had grabbed onto the teen, playfully hugging the boy, this was the first time... The first time Lloyd had actually initiated the contact, the first time he had truly seemed _content_ to be in an embrace.

It was new to Zelos. All teasing and banter aside, this was new. Lloyd's serious expression, his understanding, sympathetic gaze... Maybe he had underestimated the young Sylvarant bumpkin's intelligence after all.

"I...I don't want to hurt you Lloyd," he softly mumbled, pressing his face against Lloyd's firm shoulder, breathing in the scent of the unique Lloyd Irving. The soft smell of gardenia. Gardenia soap, no doubt a gift from the well meaning little Sylvarant Chosen. Colette and Lloyd both naïve enough not to realize just how _girly_ the sweet fragrance made the swordsman smell. Zelos felt a small, weak smirk play on his lips. Personally he kind of liked it. The subtle scent of fresh gardenia... It was somehow soothing.

"I believe in you. I believe in you, Zelos," Lloyd firmly repeated. It was all that was needed. No more, no less.

_Stupid... Lloyd. Okay. Okay._ With this thought, Zelos slowly nodded, pulling away from the teen's warm, tender embrace.

If Lloyd was actually stupid enough to believe in him... He'd have to try to live up to his expectations, right? Right?

Fucked up personality be damned. If Lloyd believed...

He still didn't understand. Didn't understand how the teen could be so forgiving, so trusting... Yet his anger slowly melted away, instead replaced with an understanding. An understanding and... An affirmation. He couldn't fail Lloyd again. No matter the temptation, no matter what sweet release from the pain of life that could be offered...

_He believes in me..._ Zelos continued to clench his fists, finally noticing his nails had cut through his gloves, finally feeling the sticky blood oozing from his palms. On noticing, he only dug his nails in deeper, taking a masochistic pleasure from the pain. Pain. Pain was something he could feel, something tangible, something real amongst the red-stained snow. Something...

"Try not to keep anymore secrets, okay?" Lloyd suddenly questioned, locking eyes with the Chosen. "No more hiding things from me, right?" he inquired, and he cast a soft, encouraging smile to the young man.

No more secrets? Well... That was a laughable notion. "I...I'll try," Zelos hesitantly responded, looking down at his bloodstained gloves. In the dim, starlit night, it was barely noticeable.

It seemed that the toned, spiky haired teen could think of nothing more to say, and nor could Zelos, so the two young men stood in silence, the stillness only broken by the soft sound of wind rustling through the treetops. _Secrets... _the redhead thought, and he took in a deep breath, his long hair rustling in the cool breeze sweeping through the dark forest. _I..._"So, I... uh, I guess we should head back, huh? It's getting pretty late, and we have to get started early tomorrow," Lloyd broke into the silence that had settled amongst the two, and the teen cast a glance up to the dark sky, to the shimmering starlight shining through the forest canopy.

"...Yeah..." Zelos mumbled, eyes still cast to his gloves. Black, pink and crimson red...

No more secrets? Could he manage that? _Lloyd..._

The teen was so different. Different than anyone he had ever come across. So full of fire. Sincerity. Compassion. Not false _noble_ smiles and _noble_ hypocrisy. It was so different.

After so much time spent with the brunette, it still... It always somehow managed to surprise him. That honesty and naïve loyalty. It was... So Lloyd.

Zelos let out a sigh, glancing for a moment to the starlit sky. The dark, inky sky, the pinpoints of starlight... So, so very far away. Galaxies and galaxies all held within that vast night sky... It made him feel so very small. _Stupid..._ Zelos let out a sigh, his focus moving to the slender new moon, to the wispy clouds drifting across that white, waxing sliver of light. _Lloyd... Lloyd Irving..._

As irritating as his naivety could be...

"Hey, before we go back, there's just one thing I want to tell ya," Zelos stated, forcing away the hollow, melancholy sensations, a small mischievous smirk overtaking his somber expression. _Enough of this serious thinking for one night. I don't think I can take much more of this..._ He couldn't help but feel the need to lighten the mood. That sympathetic, compassionate look in Lloyd's eyes... It was too much to handle. Too many thoughts to process, too much to try to understand.

Forgiveness and sincerity...

"What is it, Ze--" Lloyd started, but was cut off as Zelos pulled closer, pressing his soft lips against the teen's rougher, slightly chapped lips. The kiss was brief, a chaste, delicate kiss. The Tethe'allan Chosen ran his tongue across the boy's lips and then pulled away, gauging the teen's facial expression. _Well, I'd say shocked is the best way to put it,_ he thought, noting the boy's wide eyes, his slightly ajar mouth..

"I... You..." Lloyd stuttered, and the young swordsman pulled a shaky hand up to touch his chapped lips, blinking as if stunned.

Zelos forced a full smirk onto his pink lips, allowing himself to fall _oh so_ easily back into his 'perverted Chosen extraordinaire' persona. He'd had years of practice, of course. The mask was... Sickeningly easy to slip on. "Not too bad for your first kiss," the Chosen commented with a grin, winking at the brunette in a lecherous manner.

Lloyd's response was to sputter, his face erupting into a fierce blush. "You-You idiot!! I-you-uh! That's the last time I try to have a serious conversation with you!" Lloyd all but squeaked, and with that the teen turned --face aflame-- quickly stepping away from the redhead. "Idiot!" he snapped once more, and he unsteadily stomped away from the quiet, wooded area, headed west towards the direction of the campsite, all the while running a finger along his lips...

Zelos watched the teen stumble off through the dark, starlit forest, a small smile overtaking his features. He... The boy could be so very cute.

_--"I believe in you..."--_

He really didn't understand how the guy could believe in him. It made no sense. It was downright irritating. Yet... Somehow, it felt sort of... It felt nice.

The redhead sighed as Lloyd's retreating figure left his view, his aqua colored gaze once again turning to his gloved hands. Blood, crimson blood now soaked the ruined fabric.

Crimson stains...

"_Try not to keep anymore secrets, okay?"_

_No more secrets, huh?_ Zelos focused his gaze to his chest, running a stained, gloved hand over the red stone embedded to his flesh. The stone matched the bloodstains. Blood...

His life had been nothing but secrets. Secrets and lies. Could he really change? _For Lloyd..._ Zelos cast another glance at his gloves, at the half-moon marks gouging the bloodstained fabric, taking in a deep, uneven breath. _My secrets..._

There were so many things. So many things in his past, within his hollow heart that... Could he really open himself to the teen? Could he... There was so much darkness, so many empty, hollow memories, yet... If he kept trying, maybe he really could let his secrets go. He had a long way to go, he knew that. _Try a __**long**__ way._ Was it even possible for a... A hollow, cold soul who had spent the majority of his life running away... Was it even possible to change? _Or am I too far gone?_ That was the real question.

The first step had been doing the right thing for once in his miserable life. Not betraying Lloyd had been the first step. Now... If only he could continue. Continue to live... Live to find something more, more than that darkness, that cold, red snow clouding his heart, his senses...

Emotion.

What of the feelings? The feelings that the brunette seemed to stir. And the feelings stirring within the brunette, judging by Lloyd's flustered reaction to his spontaneous kiss. _That was actually, actually kind of... _Zelos let the thought trail, and he ran a gloved finger across his lips, almost sensing Lloyd's lips still present against his own. Chapped and inexperienced lips, yet in that moment of teasing the brunette... It had felt... Warm.

How odd.

He shook his head, closing his eyes. He could almost still smell that soft gardenia scent... Could almost still feel that comforting, warm shoulder..._Nothing makes sense anymore._ Before he had met Lloyd, at least he had understood his place in life. To run, to hide, to dream of solace, anything to kill the empty pain. Now? Now, it all seemed so damned confusing.

Forgiveness? Did he really deserve it?

Zelos opened his troubled aqua eyes, his focus moving back to his hands. His bloody hands. _Lloyd Irving._

Somehow... Somehow, even if his life had grown **so** much more complicated... Lloyd Irving seemed to somehow make it feel as if...

It was worth trying.

"He forgave me," Zelos whispered, his voice soft, tinted with disbelief.

It made no sense. Yet, despite how pissed it had made him...

It felt...

So very warm.

_...Soft gardenia..._With that thought, Zelos once again shook his head, deciding to postpone any further contemplations on the confusing subject of Lloyd Irving. He really didn't have the energy left to ponder the issue.

Weary and confused, Zelos Wilder, --fake Chosen extraordinaire-- began the short trek back to the makeshift campsite, clutching his bloody hands by his sides.

_--"Try not to keep anymore secrets, okay?"--_

...Maybe when he got back to camp, if Lloyd hadn't already fallen asleep... He could fix the two some cocoa. After all, the breezy night air was rather chill. Or was that just the snow in his mind? He wasn't sure. _No more secrets, huh? That's..._ At least there was one warm spot in that mental tempest of a snowstorm, that blizzard of cold red snow...

_--"...I believe in you..."--_

With a small, somewhat bitter smile, he walked on into the cool night, the scent of soft gardenia lingering within his crimson-stained thoughts._ ...He believes in me._

_Crimson stains  
Angry dreams  
Wash it...  
Wash it all away._

_Wash your sorrow over me.  
Wash your sorrow over me._

_Because I believe  
I believe_

_I believe in you._

_So wash it...  
Wash it all away._

_Sweet gardenia dreams._

~Fin


End file.
